Food Drabbles
by xshoebugx
Summary: A bunch of very random, very small stories regarding random pieces of food! Read it, Review it, Give me some suggestions!
1. Coconut

**Okay.**

**The idea of this is that i write a heap of random drabble things regarding to food.**

**They aren't going to to be very long so I'll probably update everyday, if not definately every two.**

**I'll start them off myself, but if you give me suggestions for food and for the character you would like to be involved I would be happy to try and write something.**

**The first piece of food is a coconut.**

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Emmett and Rosalie were on a private island eat of Hawaii (not Isle Esme). As they had just recently been married (again) this was there 22nd honeymoon.

Much to Emmett's disgust the island was covered in palm trees. Not just any palm trees though. Coconut palms. He had already been hit on the head twice totally out of the blue by a random falling coconut.

Since that day Emmett would get revenge by smashing a wholes trees worth of coconuts everyday. He thought they were stupid, brown, round things that made no contribution to the world and therefore should be denied existence.

Rosalie became dangerously annoyed whenever Emmett went on one of his little rampages. One day she became so annoyed at his behaviour she told him that if he ever wanted to make love to her again he would stop his behaviour that instant.

He did stop, but only long enough to kiss her chastely on the lips before attempting to show her the reason coconuts were awful. He instead ended up watching Rosalie show him that they did have purpose. Although they couldn't drink the stuff inside them they discovered that they could make Rosalie a bikini out of the dry shells.

Watching Rosalie walk around wearing nothing but coconuts turned Emmett right on and they spent the rest of the honeymoon as real loves should.

; )

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**Tell me if you think its a good idea.**

**And then leave me some suggestions :)**

**x**


	2. Chicken

**Today's food is chicken. Simply because I had it for dinner.**

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Edward and Bella had just been having an average day. THey headed over to the Cullen mansion after a quick hunt and were shortly expecting Charlie, Sue Clearwater, Seth and Leah over to join Jacob and Renesmee for lunch.

Bella had decided the make sure she still had her cooking skills and had offered to prepare all the food. She had planned a chicken caesar salad followed by roast pork and vegetables and apple crumble for dessert.

Almost everything was ready. They only thing missing was the chicken for the salad. She had sent Edward out to get some chicken from the supermarket so she could fry it up which would make her all prepared for the arrival of her guests.

Edward walked in the door just as Bella finished getting out a frying pan ready for the chicken, The chicken that Edward bought, however, was not what she was expecting.

He had bought a whole chicken. Feathers and all. He also had blood and what she assumed to be chicken poop all over him. She quizzed him as to why he looked like this and why he didn't just go to the supermarket before giving him a tip to change and dispose of the ruined clothes before Alice set her eyes on him.

Turns out he couldn't be bothered going into Forks to the shops and stole the nearest chicken. The thing that confused Bella the most was how he managed to ruin his clothes getting a chicken when he could take down a grizzly bear with gaining a scratch. He also had an excuse for why he hadn't gone to the shops in the first place. After listening and then glancing out the window at the predictable Forks weather Bella could see that he was just being plain lazy.

Bella laughed at him, cooked the chicken and told him to go out to the lounge and face the wrath of Alice.

:D

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**Please Review.**

**I****'d love any sort of feed back. **

**Even if you want to tell me I'm a sad bored teenager who needs to get a life.**

**x**


	3. Baby Formula Powdered Milk Stuff

**The food of the day is......**

**Baby Powdered Milk Formula Stuff!**

**dedicated to the person who made themselves known as yo and made the silly mistake of drinking it......**

**this was totally there idea...**

**and this is OOC, I had fun!**

**enjoy!**

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It was a usual overcast morning at the Cullen mansion. Renesmee had just been born and Bella was still in the process of being turned. Carlisle being Carlisle was trying to go all doctor on everyones asses and wanted to feed Renesmee some baby formula powdered milk concoction. Renesmee thought it was absolutely disgusting, but drank it anyway because she was a nice little 3 month old sized 5 minute old baby.

A few minutes later Jacob busts in the door and scoops Renesmee out of Carlisle's arms and takes her out to go hunting. Edward then informs Carlisle that Renesmee absolutely detests the baby formula powdered mild concoction. Carlisle was trying to be all doctor like and refused to believe it.

After several minutes of debate regard this topic Edward had a brilliant idea to prove to Carlisle it was disgusting. He double dog dared Carlisle to drink it. Now the Cullens had plenty of pride and took Edward up on it. He mixed a bit up and took a huge mouthful. Edward thinking that perhaps the baby was infact nuts and it didn't taste that bad took a mouthful himself. Big mistake!

Edward realised that Carlisle had tricked him into drinking so as well and he spat it all over him. Carlisle the spat his mouthful all over him and together they learnt that it was in fact rank and that they should never, ever, ever again feed the stuff to Renesmee or to themselves.

Jacob then brought Renesmee back into the room and Carlisle apologized to his granddaughter and every one was happy and drank lots of AB positive blood.

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**there be some more fun in the Cullen household. **

**I'm still open for new ideas etc....**

**and i just love to here from my wonderful readers...**

**who im sure have much more exciting things to do then to sit and write pointless drabbles about food....**

**x**


	4. Ice Cream!

**My new favourite fanfiction person is SOPHIE!!**

**this new wonderful person reviewed my really lame chapters!!**

**you other peoples should take a leaf out of her book :)**

**and sophie i will do your idea tomorrow...**

**already had this one ready for today :)**

**The food of the day is.....**

**ICE CREAM!!!**

**Who doesn't like ice cream?**

**Leave me a review and tell me your favourite flavour.**

**Mines Chocolate :P**

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Alice and Bella were shopping, as Alice and Bella do. They had walked around the mall for several hours and Bella was about ready to rip Alice to pieces and burn her on the stop. Alice said they couldn't possibly finish shopping yet, they only had covered bras and panties, casual day wear, casual night wear, and a few pairs of shoes. According to Alice they still had to cover formal wear, more shoes, swim wear and them some stuff for Renesmee.

After finally convincing Alice to just chill for a minute they sat down and called for jasper to come and get the 15 bags they had between them. Out of the blue Bella saw jessica and Lauren come into the food court where they were sitting. Jessica immediately ran over to say hello, not commenting on the hew cool temperature of Bella's skin. Lauren followed her unwillingly and just glared icily in Bella's general then offered to buy them all ice cream.

Alice and Bella agreed just to be polite and once they had ordered sat and appeared ti eat. Lauren being the bitch that she is started making snide comments regarding Edward and Bella and their sex life.

So Bella did the most logical thing one can do when someone is being a bitch and you have an ice cream. She squished it on her head and walked off looking hot.

:P

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**Bahaha...**

**I've always wanted to do that to someone....**

**So yeahh....tell me your favourite ice cream flavour in a review....**

**and if I ever meet you I'll shout you one :)**

**x**


	5. Marshmallows!

**The food of the day is....**

**Marshmallows!!**

**Does anyone feel like we're watching seasame street when I say that? :P**

**Anyway....**

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**Today was Emmett's birthday. It wasn't his actual birthday, it was the anniversary of his changing, but birthday sounds much better. He wanted lots and lots of presents, but the thing he wanted the most was a room full of marshmallows. He had made that fact known several weeks before, but the whole family thought he was kidding.

So the day arrived and he got his presents, he got a new interior for his jeep, some new clothes and rolsalie had a "surprise" for him later. When it finally sunk into Emmett's think build that he didn't get any marshmallows he threw a fit!

After twenty minutes of yelling a screaming he decided a different tactic. He waltzed up to Carlisle, dropped to his knees and began to beg for marshmallows. He pleaded his case very convincingly, pity his evidence was totally ridiculous.

You see, Emmett deserves marshmallows because :

They are soft and fluffy and Emmett is soft and fluffy on the inside (his only half decent point)

They are white AND pink

They make him happy and

It's his birthday he should get whatever he wants.

Carlisle thought none of these made any sense, but he gave Emmett some some money so he could buy himself a couple of bags of marshmallows.

Several hours later if you were passing by the Cullen mansion you would be able to hear ecstatic shouts coming from a 97 year old vampire bexoming very excited over several bags of marshmallows. Nothing to strange when you think about all the other things he could of asked for on his birthday. Although it turns out that they made a perfect addition to Rosalie's "surprise".

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**please review......everybody loves a good reviewwww**

**and sophie im once again sorry for not posting your idea...**

**ive started writing it but i was easier to post this one because i just had to move back in the boarding house and my day has been rather hectic....**

**but yesss.....**

**review bbys :)  
**

**x**


	6. School Lunch!

**The food of the day is.....**

**Lunches (as in school lunches)!**

**the idea comes from Sophie my like only reviewer.....**

**her idea...my story :)**

**Let's do it...**

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School at Forks was nothing out of the ordinary, lessons followed by boring, old lunch sitting in the plastics chairs in the cafeteria. Someone needed to do something to stir things up a little and by self promotion Bella decided to take action.

She was with the Cullens at the Cullen mansion as she always is and told them of her fantastic idea. They were all going to eat lunch! Rosalie protested saying it was totally unnecessary, but Bella just ignored her because she had learnt to just ignore Rosalie. Alice thought it was a great idea just for fun and because Alice agreed Jasper did too. Emmett was up for it and Edward did it just to make Bella happy.

So the next day they all went together and got lunch. Bella got her normal lunch because she ate anyway and all the Cullen's all picked the meaty-est looking things that they could find. **(A/N: coz if vampires could eat they would totally eat loads of meat)**

Sitting down Bella began to eat because that was the norm, but as usual people were staring because the Cullens are perfect and pretty much there to be stared at. These starers got the biggest schock when Edward picked up a roast beef sandwich and took a bite.

As the other Cullens began to do the same a wave of murmurs went through the crowd.

But it wasn't the fact that they were eating that got everyone going. It was the fact that they were only eating meat. I mean seriously, a bit of vegetable matter never hurt anyone. Right?

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**Enjoy my pretties.....**

**and pretty please review!!!**

**would mean the world to me.....**

**make my life better :DDDD**

**etc etc....**

**x**


	7. Mangoes!

**The (2nd) food of today is...**

**Mangoes!!**

**for my dear friend Ellie...aka Mopcat...**

**shes awesome and stuff :)**

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**"Edward? Love?" Bella asked one day.

"Yes my sweet heart, love of my life no scratch that, love of my existence?"

"Have you ever tried a mango?"

"No?!" For a hundred year old know-it-all he looked shocked and annoyed. Bella had finally found something that Edward didn't know. "What the fudge brownie is a mango?" **(A/N: try and picture Edward saying what the fudge brownie....comical...)**

"A mango is a tropical fruit that is oval shaped with a sweet orange flesh. It is a stone fruit that comes in many different varieties".

"Did you just google something random so you could find something I didn't know?"

Bella just blushed her cute little blush and giggled. "Would I do such a thing?" She giggled again and ran away. Not that she could get very far, but she ran anyway. Then they spent some time trying to locate a mango in real life so that Bella the human could try one. Turns out she loved them to pieces and bits. So she forced Edward to travel to Australia where they grow lots and lots of mangoes so that Bella could get fat on them.

After three awful for Edward months in Australia Edward decided that they must return to Forks. One Charlie still had no idea where Bella was. Two Edward couldn't go outside because it's just to goddamn sunny in that awesome island continent, and three, Alice had given Bella a makeover and Bella hadn't showered in like forever because of all the mango eating she was doing.

Once they arrived back in Forks Alice rushed Bella to the nearest bathroom where she got out her much-bigger-than-pocket-sized make up kit and made her better then plain and un-mango-y once again. Edward was very pleased with this and banned Bella from having mangoes ever, EVER, again.

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**Alright...that was so ridiculous....**

**but I'm from the almighty island continent aus...and I used to live on a mango farm....its pretty raging....**

**and I know I put up two chapters tonight...but I am having so much fun....**

**this is awesome just writing little bits and pieces...**

**but seriously...in less than half an hour I got 40 hits...and not one person reviewed...**

**not even to say hi....pretty please with a mango on top...**

**maybe tell me whether or not you have ever had a mango....or ever heard of mangoes...**

**im rambling now...**

**anywayyysss...**

**x**


	8. Chocolate!

**OMG OMG OMG!!!**

**im so so so so so sorrrryyyy **

**i didnt get to post yesterday...**

**heres the story...**

**where i am in this world of ours it is disgustingly hot....so everyone has their airconditioners **

**but that made the power cut out which retarded my internet!**

**ill post one now and ill post one a bit later after i write it...**

**but anyway**

**The food of the day is....**

**CHOCOLATE!!**

**who doesn't love chocolate...**

**the wonderful idea comes from CookieMonsterxx3**

**he/she was a wonderful person and reviewed just coz she wanted to say something...**

**or something like that....**

**but you should take a leaf out of her book all you non-reviewerers :P**

**but I love you anyway.. :)**

**let's get chocolatey!!**

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**Edward, Bella and Jacob were having a D and M. Jacob wanted Bella, but, as we all know, Edward wanted her too and of course Bella wants Eddie boy. Jacob was trying to charm her and make her fall in love with him. Seriously, because Edward could have whoever he wanted because he is a mega hottie, and Jacob pretty much was only ever going to have a chance with Bella.

At first it was kinda cute, every few days a bunch of flowers would be dropped by Bella's house, and then there were other simple romantic things. There was only one thing though that stopped Bella from making Jacob stop.

He gave her tonnes of chocolate.

There was every type imaginable, dark, milk or white. Bella was really worried about getting fat on all this chocolate so she hadn't eaten any of it. So when Jacob came over to deposit another load of chocolate he got very offended at the fact his wonderful chocolate was going to waste. He confronted Bella and told her that she had to eat it or else.

So she ate it. She at and ate and ate and ate. She managed to catch up so that she was I sync with Jacob's deliveries, but there was a much bigger problem than the fact that Jacob was still obsessed. Bella had gotten overweight. Not just a little over weight though, very, very, very overweight. All the chocolate was starting to get to her and when Jacob saw what a chocoholic monster he was creating he decided to stop his deliveries.

This plan worked for a while, but one day Bella smelt some chocolate and immediately wobbled (her still being fat and all) over and ate it. She realised that she still loved chocolate and went back into her regular habit.

Jacob and Edward decided that something urgently needed to be done about her and so together they devised a plan to make Bella exercise so that she could return to her wonderful, original weight.

For the next few weeks Jacob and Edward could be seen driving very slowly down the highway with bits of chocolate being dangled out the window. Shortly after their passing a very obese Bella could be seen lumbering after them in a pathetic attempt to get what he so desperately needed. After several days of this she realised what she had become and made herself lose the weight so she could be wonderful again.

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**I know that ending was really, really shitty but I just wanted to wrap it up....**

**it was getting to long for my little drabbles....**

**i need some ideas.....**

**and some reviews if you would so kind?**

**I have had heaps of hits...like crazy amounts  
**

**but like no reviewwsss..**

**shame on you!**

**:)**

**x**


	9. Grapes!

**Alrighttttttttttttttttt**

**I would have posted this sooner...**

**but I went out and saw twilight instead.....**

**do you understand!?!...**

**the food of the day is.....**

**Grapes!!**

**the whole idea for this story comes from emzycullen :)**

**its time to get grapey!!**

**:P**

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Alice was excited, as Alice always is, and decided that the Cullens needed to have a party. It would be held at the Cullen Mansion and would have a dress up theme. Alice being wonder woman party planner she didn't really stress. Until she realised that she had to think of a theme!

She spent several days just thinking of a couple hundred ideas before narrowing it down to one. And of course she couldn't see it coming because no decision was made. After thinking of her couple hundred ideas and narrowing it down to just 17 she enlisted the help of her fellow Cullens. The decision was tough as Alice's ideas were all wonderful. In the end though she ended up narrowing it down further to five.

Pirates

Togas

Fairies

Cowboys and Indians or

Knights and Princesses

As the people invited were a bunch of 18 year olds Alice decided that the best one for that age group was Togas and it was official. Alice was having a Toga party.

Alice planned madly for several weeks and on the night of the party everything was set. She had dressed everyone in the finest cotton "togas" (sheets), with beautiful little wreathy things on their heads. From an innocent bystanders point of few it would have looked totally ridiculous, but because it was Alice it was pretty acceptable. She had decorated the main area of the mansion beautifully. There were pillars everywhere and it looked so unbelievably Roman.

As everyone arrived they began to mingle with eachother and compare "togas". Angela and Ben had worn matching blue "togas", while Jess and Mike were both wearing baby pink "togas". In the end Alice was so excited about everyone's "togas" that she made them have a fashion parade and by the end of that everybody was famished.

So Alice did was Alice does best. She got the organised caterers to bring out food for the toga parties. Shamefully though, the best thing she had was grapes. Tonnes and tonnes of grapes. People started making wine, and started food fights, but all Alice wanted was someone to feed her grapes as if she was Julius Caesar. After demanding someone do it and call her Julius Caesar for the rest of the day everyone got sick of her and left.

If you sat in the corner just behind Emmett and Jasper you could almost hear a small whisper along the lines of, "if she is Julius Caesar can we get a bunch of senators to kill her for making us wear these stupid sheets!"

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**:DDD**

**there you go....**

**a bit of fun to start/finish/continue your day with.**

**please review it!!**

**I got so many hits for some of the chapters.....**

**but only one or two reviews....**

**if you give me ideas I will get around to them...**

**you can never have too many...**

**or you could just drop in to say hi....or just put a smile :) or maybe type some random letters...**

**totally up to you... :P**

**x**


	10. and she's back!

Ohkay guys.....

I realise I'm a lazy sod and I haven't wriiten anything for way way way too long.

I feel ashamed....

But here's something I laughed at

So...my school just did this drama production....it was pretty epic I must say...I got to wear this pretty sari that was made in india and it was this really dark green colour....rank but pretty at the same time....

But for part of the play we needed "bread sauce" so one of my wonderful friends makes porridge and puts coffee in it...I think...anyway it became this disgusting vomit coloured smelly concotion and stunk up back stage...quite grotesque....and so by the end of the week we had this gross smelling mould covered gunk back stage...

Its not that funny but its food related it...

Im getting back in the zone

And do you want to hear my timetable since saturday last week?

Saturday =

8 am arrive school for bump in

12 pm Finish bump in and walk an hour home

5 pm arrive back at theatre and paint floor

Sunday =

Day off....

Monday =

5 - 11 pm tech run (standing still under bright lights for ages)

Tuesday =

11 30 am bus from school to theatre

1 pm first dress rehearsal in theatre

7 pm final dress rehearsal

Wednesday =

opening night 7 30 to 11 ish

Thursday =

7 30 to 11

Friday =

Matinee at 1 pm and then again at 7 30 to 11

Saturday =

matinee at 2 pm and then performance at 7 30 followed by speeches and the start of bump out finishing at about 12 am

Sunday =

9 30 am Bump out and then lunch with cast...

So I have had a busy week

Be nice to me because now I don't have drama I have all this time to write funny stories about food.

But for me to do that I require you to give me some fantastic ideas which was the whole purpose of this update....

A simple review on this saying a character or characters and a food or foods would be good but you could say hi too!...

Depending on how many ideas I get will dictate whether or not I do yours...

But please say something...or I will feel unloved....

love


	11. Cake!

Okay...

So I'm back and I'm bad

Not really...

I'm just back

But today I am going to write about cake!

This is following a request from LILMISSS....who is my hero for being the only one that suggested anything.

Today was Jacob's birthday, and he wanted a cake. Not just any cake though, a triple decker chocolate and cream cake. He had specifically requested that the cake have chocolate icing and strawberries on the top. Making this cake was going to take some skill.

Bella attempted to make this cake all on her own, but after several fire alarms and 2 kilos of flour she decided that she was going to need some help. She asked Esme if she would be kind enough to help her out and Esme being Esme of course she was. They set out to make this cake, taking half an hour to prepare and hour and a bit to cook and then a half hour to ice.

On Jake's birthday Bella took to cake down to La Push and showed Jacob. He took one look, changed to his wolf form and gobbled it down as if he had never seen food. Bella was very hurt by this and requested that he make her a cake in return for all the effort she put in that he had destroyed in a few short seconds.

He then made her a batch up cupcakes that had letters spelling sorry Bella on the top. He gave these to her when Billy went over to watch the game with Charlie. She ate two of them before hearing a growl followed by scoffing noises. She turned around to see an empty plate and a very sick looking Jacob. He proceeded to walk outside and vomit the pretty pink and yellow cupcakes right back up again.

Bella walked off annoyed that she didn't get to eat the yummy cupcakes, but happy that she had gotten to see Jacob vomit everywhere after he was a pig.

okay...

that was INSANELY lame...

but I was in the mood to write something....

still....give me ideas...

just say hi...

pretty please review...

make a poor girl feel loved.

:D


	12. Ketchup! or tomato sauce

Alrighhhtt…..

Once again I am so incredibly lazy it's not even funny….so I'm going to really make an effort 'cause here in Aus I've just gone on holiday!

I got suggestions from LILMISSS so once again she will be my hero…and LILMISSS don't worry, most of my friends would laugh at me too...

So yaa…..pretty please with a whole handful of cherries on top can you review!?

Pweeeassee

And for today …………….KETCHUP! (or tomato sauce for us all those Australians or anyone else who calls it that….)

So, Esme had just done the fake shopping so the Cullens could keep up the façade that they were in fact human. She had bought loads of food and it was really unnecessary because no one actually has that much food in their house. Human or Otherwise.

On this sunny Sunday afternoon all the Cullens were outside enjoy the fact that they didn't have to hide their glittery selves and were just generally having a good time. Bella at this moment was still human and when she finally stopped being dazzled by Edward's skin she realized that she was infact absolutely starving and desperately needed food. She went inside looked into the freshly stocked fridge and found some fritz (AN: Polony) and looked in the cupboard and found a loaf of bread and some ketchup.

She made a sandwich and then realized that the ketchup had an awesome resemblance to blood. With a house full of vampires this could be fun. She then proceeded to spread ketchup all of the kitchen bench and all over her self.

Edward was sitting outside waiting for Bella to come back out after going to get herself some food. All of a sudden he heard her scream, within seconds he was in the kitchen and he nearly went insane with the sight in front of him. Emmett was on the kitchen bench rolling around in ketchup? Edward was definitely not ready for that, but before he could ask what the hell Emmett was doing Emmett shouted at him.

"Oh My Carlisle! Edward you have to try this blood, I don't know where it came from, but it tastes freakin weird man!"

"Emmett dude," Jasper said quietly. "You're rolling in ketchup, you look like a freak."

"What! Who did this! What an evil trick! I look like an idiot!"

A giggle was then heard from the corner of the room followed by a break down by the rest of the females in the house. Turns out Bella had planned the whole thing and when everyone thought about it, it was absolutely HILARIOUS!

Please tell me what you think!

Press the button just below this and REVEIWWW….

You know you want too…..

Or maybe you don't….but do it anywayyy!

Love….


	13. Pineapples

Omg….

I love people sometimes…

And those people that reviewed me I thank you so muuchhhhh!....

Jadecus…..duddee I had a mango tree in my back yard as well….and my dad use to grow mangoes…love it sick….

And I'm also going to use Jadecus' idea in combination with an idea from .323…

You know I seriously must be bored….this is like two chapters in less that 12 hours…

Not that they are very long or anything…

But you know…

For today….Pineapples and Emmett (and growing out of the ground)

So, as usual, Emmett was being weird. He actually had an explanation for his weirdness today though. He had just drunk two litres of Red Cordial. Not that should actually have any affect on him, but you know that whole psychological thing, like if someone thinks they have drunk alcohol that act tipsy etc. Well, this was like that. So Emmett was a little bit high at the moment and was running about madly and fell over when Rosalie walked in the door and screamed.

You may wonder why she screamed. Well, not only was Emmett running around the room like a mad thing, but he was running around the room dressed as a fairy. After picking himself up and poking his tongue out at Rosalie who was rolling on the floor laughing because he fell over, he ran out the door. Rosalie followed still laughing like a hyena.

Once outside Emmett began to hallucinate. It must have been hallucinating because Rosalie couldn't see it. Anyway, back to the hallucination. So the first thing that happened was a bunch of pineapples began to grow out of the ground. These pineapples seemed perfectly innocent so Emmett began to pat them. This was all well and good until one spiked Emmett and he jumped three feet into the air and into Rosalie's arms as if he was a little baby. By this time Carlisle and Esme had come to see where all the noise was coming from and began to piss themselves laughing at Emmett's antics. Things got even funnier after that though.

So the pineapples were growing out of the ground and spiking Emmett, but that was only the beginning of Emmett's hallucination. Next Banana's began to grow out of the ground, these bananas were freaky bananas, they weren't just your ordinary bananas in pajamas. They were bananas in, wait for it, BALACLAVAS!

This scared the hell out of Emmett so he proceeded to run back inside, still dressed as a fairy, yelling and screaming, much to the amusement of the rest of the Cullen's.

Review and I'll buy you ice cream.


	14. Strawberries!

Okayyy….

And for today ….

Strawberries will be the main food….thanks to emzycullen for the idea….

And has anyone else noticed that it's really easy to make Emmett do stupid things. I have.

On to the story

After Emmett had destroyed the kitchen when he was freaked out by all the ketchup Esme decided she was fed up with always having to do everything. So she decided that once the kitchen was replaced she was going to make the Cullen "children" do the shopping. Not that they really needed to do shopping, except maybe for the benefit of Bella.

So three days later, there they were, at the local shopping centre, ready to buy food. Except that they had absolutely no idea what to buy. Emmett thought that the best idea would be that they try everything before they would buy it. First fruit and vegetables, now considering Bella was the only person who actually remembered what these things tasted like she was force fed all the different foods and her reaction decided whether or not they were bought. After a while they had finished all the vegetables and had moved on to the fruit. By now Bella was ready to be sick and so she decided to just tell them to take things. Emmett however had never seen a strawberry for some reason, so he insisted that Bella try them. Bella was okay with this because strawberries are her favourite thing Emmett then got the idea that Bella would eat anything with strawberries in it.

Fifteen minutes later Emmett came back with not only several punnets of strawberries, but also with a bottle of strawberry shampoo. Before Bella could blink there was a bottle of strawberry shampoo in her mouth and running down her throat. Emmett was repeatedly asking her whether it tasted good or not and then got really frustrated because she wasn't talking. Alice then tried to explain to Emmett that because humans aren't supposed to eat shampoo Bella was choking. Emmett got really scared because now he thought that Bella was going to die and therefore Edward was going to kill him, and THAT would suck majorly. So Emmett ran away while Alice and Rosalie took Bella to the hospital so that Carlisle could fix her. All in all, a successful shopping trip……?

Review…

Pwetty pwetty pweasee


	15. Steak!

**Supppppp…….**

**Virtual pinch and a punch for the first of the month!**

**The food for today it steak….its what I'm having for dinner…**

Rosalie, Bella, Emmett and Edward were sitting around the table in the cafeteria of Forks high. Nothing unusual there, right? WRONG! For a change the Cullen's (minus Alice and Jasper, who were away on their 294th honeymoon) were actually eating. Everyone was watching them, seriously WTF? Since when do the Cullen's eat? It was so weird and everyone wanted to know what was going on. Jessica and Lauren being the up themselves skank-hoes that they were they decided it was their job to find out. The sort of strutted up to the Cullen table and demanded to know what was going on. Jess then asked if she could talk to Bella in private.

"Bella!" She whispered, "Why the hell are you number one, eating, and number B why of all the things you could eat, are you eating steak! It has like 300 calories. EWWW!"

Bella being the awesome vampire she is replied simply with, "I like blood."

That freaked the shit out of Jess who ran away screaming "BELLA IS A BLOOD SUCKER! BELLA IS A BLOOD SUCKER!" No one actually believed her though and so they all laughed at her and decided that the Cullen's must be really cool if they could eat steak. So everyone at Forks High decided that they would eat steak! I mean, come on, everyone LOVES steak. Except for skinny skank-hoes like Jessica and Lauren who thought eating meat was just like, oh my Carlisle, ew..! Seriously, who does that?

The next day though, much to Bella's amusement she was walking down the street and outside a sandwich shop she saw Jess, wait for it….she saw Jess wearing a steak costume. Turns out she was advertising the new steak sandwich you could buy at this sandwich place. Bella knew that she could have some real fun with this and so snuck up being hind her and growled menacingly, "I LIKE BLOOD!" Jess once again had the shit scared out of her and ran away, but as she was dressed as a steak she just sort of stumbled a few steps and fell into a convenient puddle of mud. Not that a puddle of mud is a rare thing in Forks, 'cause it rains all the time and stuff. Anyway, she fell into this puddle of mud which Bella used to her ability as she screamed, "I LOVE MY STEAK BLOODY AND DIPPED IN BARBECUE SAUCE."

Jess then shat her pants and fainted as Bella walked away chuckling rather evilly to herself.

**I admit that was probably pretty shit.**

**But OH WELL!**

**REVIEW AND TELL ME IT WAS SHIT..**

**PLEASE?**


	16. Eggs!

Alriiight....

I'm in an airport with nothing better to do.

So I thought I would write you something.

This is going to be about eggs. Thanks to **WhiteTree**, whose copious reviews made me think a whole bunch of people enjoyed it.

But it was only one. And HAII THERE!

And before you start reading go Google Uluru. Unless you're Australian, and if you need to Google Uluru and you're Australian you need to go jump off a cliff. Cause that's just shameful.

* * *

Bella was 666 years old. She was so over living in the city or in small towns and she had lived in so many different places it was just stupid and boring. So she decided that she would go live in the country somewhere and she could do what she liked rain or shine (AN: anyone else noticed its rain or shine and when its "shine" the vampires shine. I had a giggle over that.)

She moved to the middle of Australia and using her vampire strength dug a hole in Uluru and lived there. Edward was currently this awesome doctor person working around the place and Rosalie was being a super model somewhere on the globe which meant that Emmett could live with Bella in Uluru.

They decided that just living there was a bit boring, so they bought farm animals. They bought 12 ducks, 3 geese, a handful of guinea fowl (Once again, Google), a cow, a horse and some chickens. Considering Bella and Emmet had never actually looked after any animals (they preferred to kill them and drink their blood you see) they all died pretty quickly. The guinea fowl got eaten by a snake, the ducks and geese flew south, even though they pretty much would just get to Antarctica, and the cow and horse were taken by a dingo. Probably for breakfast.

The chickens however managed to last a few months. After two months the chickens started laying eggs. Bella and Emmett couldn't eat eggs so they just dug another hole in Uluru and stuck all the eggs in it. At first it was fun. Ditching them down the hole and hearing them SPLAT! at the bottom. After a while though they realised that eggs go off, and when they go off they REEK! This scared all the animals away so when Bella and Emmett were so thirsty they were about ready to try and drink each other, even though they have no blood in their bodies.

After a week of intense (like camping) thirst, Emmett had a wonderful idea of what to do with the eggs. So while Bella was reading Wuthering Heights for the bajillionth time Emmett snuck up behind her and dumped a whole bag full of eggs on her head.

This started a mass fight all across Australia with Emmett and Bella throwing eggs at each other. So if you ever get egged around Uluru, you know who it was. And if it hurts it's probably Bella, but if it REALLY hurts, it's Emmett.

* * *

I hope you enjoyed that.

I realise it's probably a piece of shit.

But you know, I'm bored and stuff.


End file.
